People receive and give love in different ways. No two people are exactly the same in this regard.
The way we love is shaped by our experiences and our family. These factors shape everyone’s idea of love in different ways and it’s why there is no “one answer” on the best way to love.
Everyone’s a little different and that’s ok!
When I was a young kid, I played the game where you put shaped pegs into similarly shaped holes. Loving people effectively is kinda like that game.
You have to use the right shaped peg that fits with how they receive love.
Loving them in a way they don’t understand or receive it, is like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It just doesn’t work.
Even if we’re trying to convey love to that person, it will be hard for them to receive it because it doesn’t match their understanding.
What Are Love Languages?
One way to think about how people give and receive love differently is to compare it to different languages.
Just like a normal language, our love languages are a byproduct of our family, experiences, and surroundings.
In a normal language, all the words are designed to convey meaning. When we love we do different actions that convey meaning, almost like we’re speaking a language.
The beautiful thing about love is there are so many ways to express it. I think of it as a kaleidoscope where there are tons of different colors with many different expressions.
While there are tons of ways to give and receive love, most people only understand a few of them. This is labeled as their love language. It’s the primary ways they are able to understand, give, and receive love.
The 5 Different Love Languages
When it comes to speaking these languages – there are 5 “main ones” people speak. No one’s exactly the same, but these are broad categories that’ll help us put a framework up we can work within.
Words of Affirmation – This love language gives love through encouraging words that build someone up. People who speak this language receive love when you tell them specifically you think they did a good job. Verbally telling them you’re thankful for them and encouraging them means a lot.
Gifts – This love language gives love through small or large gifts that convey thoughtfulness and thankfulness. People who speak this language receive love when you give them a personalized gift that comes from the heart. The act of giving a gift shows them they’re important to you because you went out of your way to find a gift they would love.
Quality Time – This love language gives love through consistent presence and setting aside time to be with people in a connected way. People who speak this love language receive love when you set time aside to be with them and be present. It doesn’t have to be a ton of time, but it must be an effective time where you are connecting. The feeling of being connected is huge to people who speak this language.
Service – This love language gives love through performing small or large acts of service. People who speak this love language receive love when you do something for them that shows thoughtfulness and a desire to help them. Even things which seem simple like cleaning the dishes or mowing the yard can mean a lot to someone with this love language. The key is prioritizing them above your own agenda and doing something they may not enjoy.
Physical Touch – This language gives love through physical touches like hugs, pats on the back, and physical intimacy. People who speak this language receive love through touch because it helps them feel connected and safe. This is non-sexual physical touches and can be something simple like a pat on the shoulder. It simply tells the person you’re connected and can be a source of encouragement for them.
Why Love Languages Are Important
Speaking the same love language as the person we’re reaching out to is vital if we want to love well. Ignoring this will leave us ineffective.
It’s like we are speaking Spanish to a Frenchman. The message and the motivation may be good but it means nothing if you’re speaking the wrong language.
A few years ago my brother Blake and his wife Cierra went on a mission trip. While in the country on the mission, they had a trip director above them helping to lead it all. This director was a great guy and held in high regard but Blake and Cierra thought he didn’t like them.
For the entire trip, they walked on eggshells because they thought he was disappointed in them.
At the end of the trip, he met with Blake and Cierra to let them know he was so thankful and enjoyed working with them. He thought they did an amazing job and were some of the best leaders he had ever worked with.
This confused them because that message got lost in translation somewhere. The entire trip he had been trying to tell them how good of a job they were doing but he was speaking the wrong language.
We spoke the love language of gifts while Blake and Cierra receive love through words of affirmation.
They like to be told straight up they’re doing a good job, but the director never did this until the end of the trip. Instead, every time they would go to a different village, he would buy a little gift for Blake and Cierra to show his appreciation.
Blake and Cierra weren’t getting that encouraging message because they don’t receive love through gifts. It’s not their language.
Knowing the love languages and which ones our friends and family speak is vital to loving them in a way they’ll receive.
If we don’t, our love may get lost in translation.
Conclusion
The love languages are important in making sure we are encouraging people in the right way. At the end of the day, if the person we are trying to love doesn’t understand then we haven’t loved well.
Just like we can’t communicate with someone that speaks a different language, we can’t communicate love to someone if we’re speaking different love languages.
Focus on showing love in a way those around you will receive it. Ask questions, get to know them, and you will be able to find out their specific love language pretty quickly.
Once you have that knowledge, it becomes easier to love them well.
Bradley Bennett | The Love Well Blog 